


catching glimpses of that massive fucking codpiece eyeing me around the corner like some kind of penile jason voorhees

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24355216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Rose has plans.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 32
Kudos: 177





	1. Chapter 1

tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Dave.  
TG: hey  
TT: What are you doing?  
TG: nothing  
TT: Excellent. We have plans.  
TG: whoa wait i think you misunderstood  
TG: i already got plans  
TT: I thought you were doing nothing.  
TG: hell yeah those are my plans theyre in full swing theyre goin nuts over here  
TT: Oh, are they?  
TG: yeah karkat and i have crafted a serene and intricate aura of nothing  
TG: were explorin levels of nothing youve never dreamed of rose  
TT: Right.  
TT: And what does this nothing entail, exactly?  
TG: ok check it  
TG: were kinda hangin out on the bed  
TG: he was readin a book a while ago but i havent seen him turn a page in forever hes zoned out hardcore im pretty sure  
TG: and im talking to you  
TG: i was just starin into space til you intercepted me  
TG: actually i should honestly get back to it space gets all needy if you stop paying attention to it for too long its hella high maintenance  
TT: Well space is just going to have to toughen up, because there’s a new item on the agenda.  
TG: yeah what  
TT: I’m organizing a walking tour.  
TG: what  
TG: the  
TG: fuck  
TG: a walking tour of what  
TT: Of the meteor, of course.  
TG: well yeah obviously theres literally nowhere else to go  
TG: but like  
TG: why  
TG: whats there to see  
TT: What an interesting question, Dave.  
TT: I suppose you’ll just have to come on the tour to find out, won’t you?  
TG: what is this  
TG: youre a tour guide now  
TG: did you become a theater major workin for tips telling yourself through the tears that this technically makes you a professional actor all of a sudden  
TG: i know we havent seen each other in a little while but last time we did that is definitely not a thing you were  
TT: That’s the thing.  
TT: We haven’t seen each other in far too long.  
TT: For all you know, maybe that’s exactly the case.  
TT: And when’s the last time you even talked to Terezi?  
TG: what we did our traditional comic exchange yesterday ill have you know were hella tight  
TT: When’s the last time you saw each other in person?  
TG: trick question terezi cant see  
TT: Very clever.  
TG: ayyyyyyyy  
TG: you cant touch me rose  
TT: Wow. You got me.  
TG: yeah consider yourself got  
TT: I will consider myself nothing else from this day forth.  
TG: nice  
TT: But honestly, Dave. It’s been far too long since anyone has seen anybody but their respective partners.  
TT: This place is so big, it’s not surprising.  
TT: All I’m saying is... Why not take advantage of that enormity?  
TT: Why not explore?  
TT: There’s a lot of history in this place, Dave. A lot to uncover.  
TG: oh god dammit rose have you been researching  
TT: You know that I have.  
TG: mannn youve just been researching your little wannabe grad student heart out now you wanna lecture all over us  
TG: forget that theater major au  
TG: you got a double phd in history and  
TG: fuckin  
TG: library science  
TG: now youre on an eternal quest for someone who gives a shit  
TT: ...  
TG: yeah that one hit a lil too close to home huh  
TT: Shut up.  
TT: It's not just that.  
TT: Don't you want to get out and move?  
TT: Don’t you miss seeing wide open spaces?  
TT: Walking for hours?  
TG: hours??  
TT: Feeling the grass beneath your feet?  
TG: wait did you find grass  
TT: Well, no.  
TT: But the first two.  
TT: We could approximate those pretty well, I imagine.  
TT: ...  
TT: _Definitely_ the second, anyway.  
TG: eh were not exactly hurting on that particular front  
TG: i mean i lived in a one bedroom at the top of a high rise  
TT: Oh.  
TG: and karkat didnt really go outside all that much  
TG: what with the whole not being legally allowed to exist business he had goin on  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: Dave, I’m sorry.  
TT: I really didn’t think...  
TT: Shit.  
TG: naw its cool im not like tryna expose your grass privilege or whatever  
TT: Er.  
TG: seriously rose its actually fine  
TG: all im sayin is were both hella suited to the homebody lifestyle were cool with chillin were not yearning to break free or anything  
TT: Right.  
TG: seriously youre ok dont worry about it  
TT: ...Okay.  
TG: why are you even doing a walking tour anyway rose you can fly  
TT: What, are you saying the prospect of me leading a walking tour is...  
TT: Dare I say it...  
TT: _Ironic?_  
TG: im sayin its unnecessary  
TT: Yes, well, considering the fact that a full fifty percent of the meteor’s inhabitants can’t fy, it’s only fair.  
TT: Seeing as you go everywhere with Karkat already, I thought you’d be more cognizant of this.  
TG: yeah i walk with him obviously im not that big of a douche  
TG: but we dont make a habit of goin on big marches all over creation either  
TG: how bout if i just fly for this one  
TG: ill even carry karkat so he doesnt feel left out  
TG: he whines when i do it but secretly he loves it he pretends hes troll kirsten dunst and im that ridiculous lifesize wooden model of tobey maguire its so obvious  
TT: That wouldn’t make for much of a walking tour, now would it?  
TG: ugg why are you so hung upon this  
TG: also  
TG: wait  
TG: hold up  
TT: What?  
TG: what do you mean fifty percent of the meteor can fly thats not true  
TT: What do you mean? Sure it is.  
TT: You, Vriska, Gamzee and I are all god tier.  
TG: what the hell rose gamzees not god tier  
TT: He isn’t?  
TG: fuck no  
TT: But he has the outfit.  
TT: I’ve seen it.  
TG: yeah me too believe me ive been walking down the dark halls late at night catching glimpses of that massive fucking codpiece eyeing me around the corner like some kind of penile jason voorhees  
TG: its like all my worst nightmares  
TT: I have always asserted that all your dreams were phallo-centric at their core, Dave.  
TG: yeah well now im actually all out and proud at least with the handful of people still alive theyre bein hella unsubtle about the whole thing  
TG: youd think thered be way less stalking in the dark corridors of my mind  
TG: thats the product of a repressed subconscious rose im in the bed i literally share with my boyfriend what the fuck what gives  
TT: Hm.  
TT: This is quite the head-scratcher.  
TT: I’ll have to consult my tomes.  
TG: yeah you do that  
TT: The tomes are a collection of Wikipedia pages on psychology that I cached on my computer before entering the game, by the way.  
TG: wow did you actually do that  
TT: I actually did that.  
TG: what the fuck was that just so you could mess with me  
TT: Maybe.  
TG: god damn  
TG: youre like the weirdest fucking apocalypse prepper  
TG: you got your bugout bag all ready and raring to go  
TG: but instead of like flint and dry beans or whatever the hell you just got 5000 words on freud crowd sourced by a bunch of college freshmen who all took psych 101  
TT: Plus all the related pages.  
TT: I could wax poetic to you about the University of Vienna.  
TG: maybe later  
TG: somehow after almost a year and a half im still not THAT bored  
TT: I’ll keep it on hold for you.  
TG: thanks  
TG: anyway my whole point in bringing this up is that gamzees definitely not fuckin god tier  
TG: that outfits fake as shit  
TT: Really?  
TG: yeah definitely i saw one of his wings in the ablution trap once that dumb motherfucker just left it in there  
TG: shit was straight up made out of cardboard it was all soggy around the edges  
TT: I’m shocked.  
TG: im not  
TT: Oh, no. I’m not surprised that he isn’t god tier.  
TT: I just can’t believe he took a shower.  
TG: ahahhahaha  
TT: Maybe he wandered in like a lost wild animal.  
TG: oh yeah like those security cams you see where a deer stumbled its way into a convenience store  
TG: poor lil fellas spooked outta his mind his delicate little legs all scramblin for purchase on the slippery linoleum  
TT: He crashes into a display of Fritos and knocks one of his cardboard wings off before finally finding the exit by pure dumb luck.  
TG: wow damn that is probably absolutely exactly how it went down  
TG: i cant believe we solved this one  
TG: were like csi meteor  
TG: im horatio hornblower or whatever  
TG: you can be the other one  
TT: Which one?  
TG: whatever theres a million of those shows take your pick  
TT: I’ll be Gil Grissom.  
TG: who  
TT: Played by William Petersen.  
TG: what the fuck why do you know that  
TG: why do you know the first and last name of anybody in those shows let alone the actor that is not common knowledge rose thats so bizarre  
TT: I... honestly have no idea why I know that.  
TG: hahaaha  
TT: Isn’t that something?  
TT: So much knowledge was lost with the death of our planet.  
TT: So much of human civilization, wiped out.  
TT: And yet for some unfathomable reason, the memory of William Petersen is apparently going to live on through me.  
TG: yeah and the way this shit goes were gonna accidentally start a whole new religion based around him  
TG: his storys gonna get all twisted around turns out some weird aspect of his character is gonna really resonate with the trolls  
TG: we turn around for five minutes next thing you know hes new troll jesus  
TT: Hahaha!  
TG: honestly thatd be a huge relief currently karkats kinda obliquely old troll jesus  
TG: and im not gonna lie to you rose that is weird as all hell  
TT: Does that make you Mary Magdalene?  
TG: i have literally no idea  
TG: does it  
TT: According to many scholars, and anyone who examines the systematically sexist evolution of the public presentation of the Bible, yes.  
TG: uh  
TT: Did you know that Mary Magdalene wasn’t “canonized” as a prostitute until the sixth century AD?  
TG: no rose i actually didnt know that can you believe it  
TT: ...  
TT: I sense that I’m losing you.  
TG: yeah maybe we should cut short the days perusal of the history of christianity wikipedia page lets kick that can down the road a little  
TT: Damn. Now you know my secret.  
TG: dude rose ive always known deep down thats your secret  
TT: Well shit.  
TT: Moving on...  
TT: If I remember correctly, the whole point of this tangent was your insistence that Gamzee can not, in fact, fly.  
TG: yeah that was my point and its still true as the day i made it  
TT: You do realize this is actively working against your argument, don’t you?  
TG: whatever i dont care im not letting gamzee get away with any undue appreciation ill do anything to stop that horrible miscarriage of justice  
TG: i will make any sacrifice rose  
TT: But you still don’t want to come.  
TG: honestly no it sounds like a lotta walking and listening to history and palling around with vriska and im not about any of that right now  
TT: Oh my god.  
TG: what  
TT: For a second I read that as “pailing around.”  
TG: holy shit  
TT: Haha!  
TG: no  
TG: what  
TG: no  
TT: Hahahaha!  
TG: sorry  
TG: i needed a minute  
TG: i just had a full body fear seizure karkat was kinda pissed and confused at first but i explained what happened he understood completely hes totally cool with it now hes bringin me damp towels to mop my brow  
TT: Hm.  
TT: Is Karkat reading this, too?  
TG: not really  
TG: hes close tho hes in the general vicinity  
TG: meaning hes kinda sprawled out across me all perpendicular  
TG: were like the lamest easiest game of jenga ever  
TG: or maybe the hardest  
TG: we are the impossible lame jenga game rose  
TG: its us  
TT: That’s adorable.  
TG: yeah it is  
TT: If you point the screen at his face, will he be able to read it?  
TG: uh  
TG: yeah pretty much  
TT: Can you do that, please?  
TG: why  
TT: Come on, Dave.  
TT: Just do this for me.  
TG: ok  
TG: fine  
TG: here you are now in the karkat zone  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: Karkat.  
TT: Kanaya, Vriska, and Terezi are all on board already.  
TT: If you and Dave come, it’ll be a triple date.  
TT: Just like an Earth romcom.  
TT: _But better._  
TG: oh what the fuck  
TG: god dammit rose  
TT: Did it work?  
TG: yeah fuck this shit his interest is all piqued now  
TG: its like the top of a swiss chalet up in here  
TG: or wait  
TG: no  
TG: thats peaked  
TG: what the fuck ever  
TG: hes hella interested is what im sayin  
TG: hes all kinds of piqued  
TG: every spelling of that word applies to him now  
TG: hes so fuckin jazzed  
TT: Excellent.  
TG: ug what the fuck rose why do you know the way to my boyfriends heart  
TG: thats so goddamn weird that should not be a thing  
TT: I’m sorry, Dave.  
TT: Desperate times.  
TG: what if we bring the mayor thats gonna throw the numbers off  
TG: and you know hes gonna wanna come  
TT: That’s fine.  
TT: He’ll just function as the chaperone.  
TG: oh no hes gonna love that hes gonna get so into it  
TT: I know.  
TG: aw man hes gonna have like a ruler and everything makin sure we save room for chess guy jesus  
TT: Oh no.  
TG: naw its not as bad as it sounds chess jesus is fuckin tiny  
TT: Ha!  
TT: Does this enthusiastic bout of imagining the Mayor as a fusty dowager mean you’re warming to the idea?  
TG: ehhh  
TT: It sounds like Karkat’s firmly in.  
TT: If you really don’t want to come, Dave, you can always send the Mayor in your stead.  
TT: If you trust him to serve as Karkat’s date, that is.  
TG: what of course i trust him the mayors a perfect gentleman rose  
TG: also im pretty sure hes actually like middle aged minimum thatd be pretty fucking weird if he started hitting on karkat  
TT: Oh.  
TT: True.  
TT: Well, it’s up to you, either way.  
TT: We’re meeting in the common block in half an hour.  
TG: uggggggghhh  
TG: fiiiine  
TG: if everybody else is goin im not gonna not go  
TG: prolly even fuckin gamzees gonna be scuttlin through the vents above us  
TG: all adding to the audio tour  
TG: oh wow it was at this very spot that the first honk was honked  
TG: fascinating  
TT: I certainly hope he doesn’t join.  
TT: It’ll throw the numbers all into disarray again.  
TT: Unless the Mayor...  
TG: no  
TG: no absolutely not dont even fuckin joke about that rose  
TT: Sorry.  
TG: good god have some decency  
TT: Sorry!  
TG: yeah you better be  
TG: k well be there in half an hour  
TG: i gotta real quick alchemize karkat some sturdy walking shoes  
TG: real fuckin sensible and ugly as sin  
TT: You’re not making any for yourself?  
TG: naw im gonna float  
TT: Dave!  
TG: ugg fine ill make us matching disgusting new balances  
TG: well get an early start on our shit ass sensible dad fashion  
TT: That’s all I ask.  
TG: early onset sensible shoes  
TG: at the age of 14  
TG: its a god damn tragedy  
TG: lifetime read the script they said it was too sad theyre givin it a hard pass  
TT: Kanaya is apparently planning on doing the entire thing in heels.  
TG: damn  
TT: She knows what she's doing. She can handle it.  
TG: haha well i dont think karkat and i can we havent been trainin all our lives for this like her  
TT: True. Unfortunately I think sensible Dad Shoes are your fate.  
TG: yeah i know i can hear their siren song already  
TT: Good. Make sure you answer it.  
TT: We'll see you soon.  
TG: cool  
TT: Cool.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  



	2. Chapter 2

DAVE: (wow dude look at this here we have the very first pipe to carry both mac AND cheese at once its a modern marvel those chess guys were really somethin we have so much to learn from them)  
KARKAT: (DAVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP! ROSE IS GONNA KILL US!)  
ROSE: What was that, Karkat?  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
ROSE: I’m only asking that in the colloquial sense, of course.  
ROSE: I know full well what you said, or should I say screeched straight into Dave’s ear just now.  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
ROSE: But it’s alright.  
ROSE: You have my solemn promise that I _won’t_ kill you if you just shut your oversized mouth and let me continue.  
DAVE: yeah seriously bro shut up rose is tryna talk about this super interesting pipe thats so uncool  
KARKAT: (I HATE YOU SO MUCH.)  
KANAYA: Karkat!  
DAVE: ill keep him in line rose dont worry i got this you keep talkin about this pipe its such awesome stuff youre doin a great job  
ROSE: ...  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: |:B  
KANAYA: Please Continue Rose  
KANAYA: I For One Am Very Interested  
ROSE: Thank you, Kanaya.  
ROSE: As I was saying...  
DAVE: (you know the weird thing is once they got the goods to the kitchen they didnt just serve it straight up)  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: (no thats a common misconception but actually a really huge mistake thats just the most you can possibly fuck up mac and cheese)  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: (but our brave chess forbears knew their shit they knew full well the optimal cheese to mac ratio for reduced pipe friction was nothin like the ratio for optimal tastiness)  
DAVE: (those two things are actually way off not a lot of people know that)  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: (thats why when we get to the meal block youre gonna love it youre in for such a treat dude)  
DAVE: (i dont wanna spoil it or anything but shit youre bein so good so attentive all not talkin out or anything)  
DAVE: (ill just tease it a little bit what could it hurt right)  
DAVE: (when this amazing tour takes us to the meal block youre gonna see with your very own gander bulbs the biggest mac and cheese centrifuge in paradox space)  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: (i know to the untrained eye its gonna look a lot like a toaster)  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: (but trust me thats just a really weird coincidence turns out the optimal mac and cheese centrifuge shape is hella reminiscent of that of a shit ass toaster that only works if you turn the knob all the way to extra dark and you gotta watch your toast like a hawk and take it out before it gets burnt all to shit)  
DAVE: (technologys weird like that)  
KARKAT: /8B  
DAVE: (yeah so what they did back in the carapacian days of old is they all gathered round that very toaster aka centrifuge and pinnacle of culinary engineering)  
DAVE: (they all stood there on the great inauguration day of their new invention)  
DAVE: (everybody from the oldest village elder to the pippiest lil pipsqueak was there they all stood in a big circle with their mouths agape waitin for that savory cheesy goodness)  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: (then the chief engineer donned his adorable little mini safety goggles and gave a hella stern look around the room so everybodyd simmer down)  
KARKAT: |XB  
DAVE: (then when he judged the funny business was at a minimum at least as low as it was gonna get in a mac and cheese type scenario such as this one)  
DAVE: (he turned the dial)  
KARKAT: /XB  
DAVE: (but as you probably predicted if youve been payin attention to this tour like i know you have)  
KARKAT: \XB  
DAVE: (or if youve ever made toast i definitely know youve done that too ive seen it happen)  
DAVE: (then you know about that fateful and extremely jank as fuck dial and the dangers it poses)  
KARKAT: (XB  
DAVE: (he cranked that sucker all the way around to extra dark that fuckin cheese came out so fast its molecules skipped the liquid and gas phase that shit went straight to plasma)  
KARKAT: HRRKK  
DAVE: (hundreds died)  
KARKAT: BAHAHAHAHA!!!  
ROSE: Oh my _god._  
DAVE: rose im so sorry the dudes just outta control this is so so embarrassing  
DAVE: you want me to get him out of here walk him around the block a few times calm him down  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
ROSE: Absolutely not!  
ROSE: You're both staying right here.  
ROSE: Just... for the love of Christ, pay attention!  
ROSE: These pipes are really a modern marvel.  
ROSE: There’s a lot we can learn from the Carapacians.  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!  
ROSE: What??  
DAVE: im tellin you  
DAVE: outta control  
ROSE: Unbelievable.  
DAVE: (dude just wait til we get to the meal block you can still see the cheese splatter it remains to this day its unreal)  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  



End file.
